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March 08, 2011


Antonia Calderon

Sorry for your loss and I know how you feel. When my mother passed away this happened to me. One day about a two years after her I was thinking of something and for some reason I said to myself let me call her and ask her. How ironic life is my father forbade her to call me for 10 years and in her last years she had dementia and did not know me. Hang in there you will always remember and you will smile again someday.

Cindy Johnston


I hadn't seen you on TwoPeas in a very long time and came to your blog. I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I hope you are feeling better Veronica. I know exactly how you're feeling and cryed as I read your words. I lost my Mom last year and my Dad in 2006. Without parents there is a void that can never be filled. My Mom was there when my Dad passed and I had her but when she passed away there was no one. No parent left. Time helps ease the pain but I feel such a huge void still. It doesn't go away for me but I honestly do think that over time I've learned to deal with the loss. I look at pictures and smile and sometimes cry. I have also saved recordings that I'll still listen to of my Mom and like you I have not erased her number. I even kept her home number that she had for over 30 years. I couldn't let it go. I do hope that you are feeling better and I just wanted to say that I understand and sympathize with your loss and pain. BIG (((HUGS))) to you.


I'm so sorry for your loss, Veronica.

I felt much of the same way about my grandfather who passed away 11 years ago today. The pain subsides after a while, but never goes away.

You wrote ~ "And when I'm happy, it's an ache that I can't share my joy with him and that he left not knowing if I was okay. He left worried about me and I didn't want that. I wanted him to know that I was okay even if I really wasn't."

Veronica, I firmly believe that your father shares in your joy. I believe that he knows that you are okay, still hurting ~ yes, but okay. He may have left worrying about you, but I believe he knows that you are strong-willed and are able to move past your pain and fears.

I don't know you personally, but I've read your blog and fell in love with every single scrapbook page you've ever posted at 2peas. What I read and saw were the thoughts of a very strong woman that is loved and loves others. A wonderful mother that will pass on her strength (and her father's) to her children. You are an amazing woman and you will get through this.

My thoughts and prayers are with you. I wish you all the best.


Veronica Paz

Thank you for sharing. Keep Strong. We love you!


Veronica, you're pain is so raw. I was in a similar state when I lost my mom 15 years ago. Nothing I did, read, wrote, prayed, seemed to ease the grief. The word grief just wasn't profound enough to explain the pain. I felt so alone in the journey through grief that I didn't think I'd survive it. For me, I learned that time doesn't really heal all wounds; it does however help you adjust to this new world you're in where literally everything seems too vivid and intense. They say the worst kind of grief you go through is your own. Only you can make it through it for you. The only way I got through mine was to accept that I was going to be unhappy and so deeply sad for a long time. That it would take as long as it was going to take and I had to be OK with that. I also found it helpful to allow myself to feel whatever I was feeling. Trying to hold whatever emotion in was just too exhausting. One minute I'd be smiling at some cute something and the next I'd be sobbing on the floor because my sadness took so much energy out of me I couldn't even stand. Then I'd be so angry I was screaming. Sometimes all the emotions seemed to hit at the same time and it's overwhelming and frightening. Be kind to yourself during this time. Remind yourself often the regardless of what you said or didn't say or did or didn't do you loved your father and you know he loved you too. I recently read a passage in a grief book. There was a quote that I found very comforting. "Love never ends, love never dies. Love is forever, infinite, everlasting. The web that connects us can never be broken and can only trap love and kindness in its net."

Hang in there. Your pain will very gradually ease. Hold onto the moments that don't hurt. They eventually come more often.

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