When I was younger, there were things I was not able to process or understand simply because youth and inexperience prevented me from grasping certain concepts. But as we grow and mature, physically and spiritually, we learn to reason, think, talk and act differently. It is the gift and the privilege of growing older that allows us to see things more clearly the longer we live. Paul's words to the Corinthians resonate with reason and truth. We only see things as we are able to in the season of life that we are in. You cannot teach a toddler algebra because his brain is not capable of understanding that concept. And likewise it is with us that we are not capable of understanding certain truths until our spirits and souls are ready.
What I have loved the most about getting older is seeing how more fully realized as a person I am becoming. My life experiences are finally teaching me something and I refer to them often as points of reference. I find myself saying "when I was your age..." to my children more and more often. And I am able to reflect on the thoughts I used to have and be almost embarrassed at how trivial youth can make us.
I welcome this part of the aging process. I wish the trade off to it wasn't the wrinkles and gray hairs that accompany it, but if that is the price for the person I am becoming, then I welcome it fully and I delight in the process. So many people look at aging as if they are leaving their best years behind. In some ways that may be true but I don't envy youth nor do I wish to revisit it. I've been there and I've had my chance to be in my 20's and in my 30's. I had the chance to be the best I could in that time and now I have my chance to be in my 40's and do with these years what I'm supposed to be doing here. I don't want to be 20. I don't want to be 30. I want to be fully me in the age that I am -- living completely in the moment -- looking forward -- and only glancing backwards.
It's as if I am finally living what I was planning for in my 20's and even as far back as my teens. Seeing God's plan for my life evolve through my rearview mirror only excites me as to the possibilities ahead. Oh I know there's an inevitable physical decline that I see and feel every day. But I don't linger in what I'm losing. I think about it for a moment, then I skip over it and think of all I have and where I'm going and all I am gaining in this process of life.
I have been so blessed in my life on every level. I have been loved in my best and in my worst -- in my strongest and in my weakest -- in my richest and in my poorest -- in my happiest and in my saddest. In every moment, in every stage, and in every experience -- God has been there unconditionally. Even when I couldn't see Him or feel Him, or even when I turned and chose not to, He was always there. In hindsight I can see where His hand touched every circumstance and situation even if in the moment I had no idea. At the age of 42 I finally really understand what grace and mercy really mean because I have been on the receiving end of both and I have deserved neither.
I have had the most amazing life. But it's not over yet. Like the physical rebirth of nature in the springtime, I feel I am constantly being reborn. I am getting older now but I am still a spiritual child with so much to learn. But I try harder now and that's probably the biggest difference. I used to just cruise through life and now I am more conscious and aware of it all. Time grants us this gift of understanding. So I try every day to start over and pick up where I am and do things a little better than I did them the day before. If I fall now I know how to forgive myself and pick up right where I left off and I know now that God will meet me wherever I am in my life. I have proven to myself beyond a shadow of a doubt time and time again that nothing I am or do is anything or worth anything or important at all, if it does not reflect God.
I have had 42 springtimes in my life -- physically and spiritually and emotionally. Every part of me continues to fade in the winter and die but because of God I am living an eternal springtime. "I am a flower quickly fading. Here today and gone tomorrow. A wave tossed in the ocean, a vapor in the wind. Still you hear me when I'm calling. Lord, you catch me when I'm falling. And you've shown me who I am. I am yours." {Casting Crowns, "I Am Yours"}
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