I've always been told I have a very laid back approach to parenting. I guess the reason why is because I'm able to see certain behaviors for what they are -- transient actions vital to growth and development and characteristic of whatever stage they're currently in. What I really pay most attention to is the core of who my children are -- that part of them that makes up everything they are and will eventually believe about themselves and the world -- that part of them that defines them and their values for the rest of their lives. I pay very close attention to my children's hearts.
The truth is, I think I have spent most of my parenting career trying to cultivate their hearts more than their behavior. That doesn't mean that behavior isn't important -- it is! And certain behaviors have to be addressed and certain behaviors cannot be excused. Sometimes getting a child to behave because of fear of punishment works and is appropriate. But I don't want my child to do the right thing just because he's afraid of what will happen if he gets caught. I want him to do the right thing even if there was no chance of him ever getting caught. You see, when we spend too much time focusing on the little nuances that every child has, we miss the big things that really matter. If we don't train their hearts then we haven't done our jobs completely no matter how well they behave. Yes children must obey and behave certain ways that are appropriate and reasonable, but at the same time, their hearts must understand, too. We underestimate them as individuals if we think they don't feel as deeply as we do; if we think they cannot understand because they are just children; if we're not paying attention to what they're trying to say by their actions when their voices can't find the right words; or if we think they aren't paying attention to us. Sometimes behaviors are just behaviors that need to be handled but sometimes behaviors are opportunities to teach them something deeper.
Sebastian has the biggest heart of all my children and yet most people never get to see it. To the world, he has been the most mischievous of the bunch and when he was younger he forged a reputation for goofing off. Yes, he mooned his preschool class; yes, he climbed on the roof of a family member's house during a family dinner for no particular reason; yes, he threw wet toilet paper in the school bathroom and then cleaned it up so no one would see; yes, he traced an inappropriate drawing on the school sidewalk; yes, he drew on the walls of our house {more than once} and lied about it; yes, he turned on the faucet and left it on until it flooded the house and then proceeded to splash around in it; yes, the list goes on and I make no excuses for those things. But behaviors and personality don't don't always go hand in hand.
As a little boy, Sebastian was curious, adventurous and even mischievous at times. He didn't always think things through and he was impulsive to his heart's delight. He did anything for a laugh and then realized later it might not have been such a great idea. He charmed {and lied} his way out of a lot of things. He has had his share of consequences and reprimands, but mostly he has left us scratching our heads so many times wondering, "why on earth did he do that?"
He created a reputation for himself that matched his exterior behaviors but failed to show that part of him that was more beautiful than most. His heart. His big, beautiful, feeling heart. Sebastian's eyes water at stories of injustice; he mourned the loss of his grandfather more openly than any of the other kids {he still cries about him often when we talk about him}; he won't tell a girl in school he doesn't like her if she likes him because he can't bear to hurt her feelings; his eyes watered with joy when he found out I was pregnant; he loves his little brother and sister so much that sometimes I see his eyes tear up when they are loving him back; he admires his older brother completely; he respects adults; he has never answered back or defended himself to a teacher or given excuses to them -- even the times they have been wrong about him; and he sees the good in people better than most adults do.
Teaching Sebastian to find the balance so that his exterior reflects his interior has been an ongoing challenge. As he is slowly maturing I see the gap shrinking. Those who know him know he is the softest spirit you could ever meet and one day I believe everyone will see it too through the trajectory of his life. One time Sebastian came home upset because a teacher told him that he had a "dark heart." At first I was really angry with her but now I just feel sorry for her. She was witness to one of the most beautiful souls she will ever meet and she missed it because she wasn't really paying attention.
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